This morning, I got up at my usual before-the-sun time. This blog was on my calendar to do. I had good intentions.
Yet, 15 minutes slipped away.
15 more.
Two hours later, I still had nothing.
The logical side of me knew I should just call it a morning and do something else. But the stubborn side of me sat there at my desk like an idiot, freaking out because I wasn’t getting done what I was “supposed” to be getting done.
Being taught to plan
It’s a familiar feeling. I’m a CPTSD kid. There was never a lot of room to abandon plans. Things that didn’t get done just meant more problems, so I learned to plan and follow through.
Under.
Any.
Circumstances.
That doesn’t mean I’ve wanted to control everything. I’d happily let someone else figure out the best next steps. It’s just to say that I’ve been taught that having best next steps is a necessary thing.
Connected to that idea is a sense of purpose. I’ve followed through hoping to earn a chance to live my purpose, to make the right connections to be able to contribute.
But just before I got completely lost in panic, I remembered the Pixar film, Soul.
Learning how to jazz can be scary
In the film, jazz musician Joe Gardner finds himself caught between living and not living, with his soul lingering in the Great Before. He has to learn that a person’s spark isn’t their purpose — that is, their natural gift or thing they do amazingly well (like being a great musician). A person’s spark is simply their ability to improvise, “jazz,” and appreciate all the little things in life in the moment. The feel of the wind. The way a seed drops. When a person doesn’t have their spark, they don’t see the point of living or appreciate life for what it can be.
Some people, like the character 22 in the film, jazz incredibly naturally. Others, like Joe, can do it but just have to be redirected to it — they’re just confused about what life’s about.
But some people, myself included, need a lot of help to jazz, even if we know it’s the point. When you’ve been taught that not jazzing is a safety path, spontaneity feels terrifying.
A compassionate nudge toward jazzing
In the film, when Joe tosses out some thoughtless comments, 22 temporarily feels like she doesn’t have a purpose. She becomes a lost soul, and Joe has to remind her that she does have a spark and is actually pretty great at jazzing. Joe helps her overcome her remaining anxiety about going to Earth and helps her start her journey toward living there.
I’m nowhere close to jazzing yet. But I want to be. I’ll take randomly writing about this movie as a start. And if the plot of Soul is a reminder of anything, it’s that people can help each other get to the point of jazzing the way they’re meant to.
So, today, the goal isn’t to write anymore. It’s to connect.
Whatever plans you’ve made, whatever you feel like you “must” do, remember that’s not the point of living. Even if you need some help first to get the thoughtless comments or bad experiences out of your head to do it, jazz a little. It’s the entire reason you’re here.